stop ending commas to the sentence, I need a fullstop to this and not a comma, stop making this seems so bright when it is so bleak, stop it, stop it,,,,,,,,,,,
Hate feeling so vulnerable.
HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF! 
I do not deserve all the attention and all the love from my friends.
Am no angel, no saint.
Mean bitch I am.
Bitch and criticise people without blinking or caring if they are wretched by my crude remarks.
I do not deserve to have them remembering my day.
I threw temper at them whenever pms haunts me. (excuses)
Am not a good friend to them.
I do not deserve the gifts.
I always forget birthdays and did not put in effort to choose pressies for them.
Sucky friend I am.
Seeing the things they did for me, I am touched.
Not the amount the gift cost, not the quantity of gifts I received but the effort they went through to make it memorable for me.
e.g. finding the perfect gift for me, choosing the gifts they think I will like, writing cards for me, making a effort to stay awake to msg me and plan a party/ nightout for me.
It really doesn't matter if there is any gifts or not.
It really doesn't matter if there is any birthday cake.
It really doesn't matter if there is anyone singing birthday song.
It seriously doesn't matter.
All it matters is I know you people care for me.
I am contended. Really am.
I lost my hp.
yes! you heard me.
Bye sonyericsson.
Don't ask me why, I just lose it.
29th april. After "Eight Below" around 2.30am
Is less than one yr old and is lost.
The one who picked it up and off-ed it will have constant itch on his/her hands.
Is will be so itchy that he/ she will scratched till pus ooze out.
The money he/ she make from selling my hp will not be able to pay for the medical bills.
I am mean. I have the right to.
Basket! I lost my freaking hp for the first time on the day before my birthday!
WTH!!
Friday, April 28, 2006
feel so loved.
My pressie from China were appreciated.
Most I supposed.
Little reina playing with my gifts to her.
my little mian bao (bread)
doesn't she looks like a loaf of bread? haha
I just got my second pressie! first from uncle, ang bao.
I so so so love it.
BYA!!! I so love you.
A cardholder( no more cannot find this and that), 2 sachets of eye masks( no more panda eyes), hair essence oil (no more dry hair), shampoo and conditioner ( feed water to my hair).
My fave!!! All about xian.
So is all about me.
Was smiling at myself opening her pressie. The box that kept the stuff was handmade too!!!
So nice.
Natural feel!!! I am so gonna put my barang barang inside!!!!
She knows me. She knows my needs. She is so nice.
That matters a lot more.
Sorry to make you spend a bomb on me. I really appreciates it.
I really really like it.
Another surprise from zhen zhong.
a pink pig pendant.
haha was laughing away.
Friends who know me know I dislike pigs and pink reminds me of pigs.
BUT!!! I wasn't offended by that pig, I love it.
Is so cute and find it so funny.
At first, I tot he was making a comparison btw me and a cute pink pig.
BUT it was not the case. He seriously thinks I will like it and spent along time choosing.
FACT: I really like it.
My promise to you: I will buy you a tee shirt for your birthday.
My birthday is not here yet but I feel contended le.
20 doesn't sound so threatening suddenly.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
For some reason, i'm in a totally like horrendous mood right now. i don't know if I'm PMSing or I'm just like high strung or WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. First, yesterday's episode.Now, the stupid beer game (ASCM).Affected ar. Only a small remark can make me flare! So angry. Went for dinner with jas in HV.The talk was the main course of the whole dinner.Anguish were poured out.Statement made by people who has a standing in your life.People who should understands you, does not understands or agree to your thinking. Maybe I have changed after China ITP.Protective over myself.Maybe I am actually mean to think or do things that way.Maybe I care too much and fuss about the nitty gritty stuff.Maybe... just maybe... I am wrong. Two different ingredients that are so different in taste being put together and form a beautiful dish.How high is the chances?low. But I just found my strange ingredient that can accommodate me well enough. Jas!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
A wink, a smile or a casual remark will make my day.
A sneer, a cold look or nothing at all will make me sulk.
Sweet little moments to subtain my little well of happiness.
Is enough.
More than enough.
That smile.
I can't help smiling back too.
The tilted head.
Make me want to tilt my head too.
My chance.
Feel free to sms me.
Heart stopped beating.
Teeth glistened at the pathetic screen, at that short sentence.
My sweet little moments.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
I just had a very COLD conversation with one of my girls, Bird.
For those who knows me, she is one of my long time friend and also a good pal.
We have nothing much to talk about.
How sad.
Worst then talking to zhen zhong online.
Either she is a conversation killer or I am the one.
I seriously think I am not. A diversion to that.
Yesterday, worked in EP.
small pathethic place.
Ground slanted to one side.
Squeezy. I dread going to that slum to work though I enjoy work.
Had my hair coloured to some gothic colouron friday at von's place.
While washing my hair, I saw a BIG clump of hairs on the bathroom floor!
My hair dropped like a cancer patient went through therapy!!!
I freaked out!
I started messaging people online to consult experts.
People like daniel, kim yong, bernice and florence.
Only Daniel entertained me.
Yes, the big head daniel.
We talked. We shared.
We confided. Like before.
So weird, the chemistry is still there.
The fact that we barely talk to each other for so long and yet that day we are still able to pour to each other.
Something that I can't do to Tom, Dick or Harry.
A pity.
As for today, I played the role of a maid.
I did laundry, ironing and watsoever.
Not as hard.
Snappy in fact. I felt like screaming out my satisfaction, my inner cry. I need no help from anyone and I can survived.Clothes?! No big deal.A step to my independence!!!
7 days to my birthday. 20, such an insignificant number.One more yr to 21.One more yr to be considered an adult. First yr of having 2 as the first digit.My final yr in poly.I am one yr older but am I mentally older too?
Thursday, April 20, 2006
How hard is it to wash clothes?
Not as hard as I expect it to be.
My clothes have not run its colour yet and I thanks GOD for it.
Still having cold war but to me it doesn't makes any difference.
I enjoy the relaxing feel now.
Had my wisdom tooth removed.
No pain. In split second.
Weird to be bo gei at this age though.
Pics will be uploaded soon i guess.
Finally gotta see my last member in BD.
Edmund, the guy who is always with Khairul.
Just my luck.
He is funny though. We all had fun.
Just pray that there is no conflicts between the members.
I sincerely pray.
Bernice did her magic again.
This time a very cute pic.
I laughed whenever I see it.
Is super duper cute.
Peg's mum did my fortune reading for me.
More focus. I am looking forward to my life in front of me.
Regardless good or bad, is my own battle.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
D-E-T-A-C-H-E-D
Family wise and friends wise.
Words and voices haunting me.
Materialistic. Selfish. Stupid. Ungrateful. Useless.
I hate being home.
So close to the mine that will be triggered off by the slightest human made error.
Whatever I said is all wrong and even if my mum is wrong, I am wrong to refute.
The more I say, the bigger the explosive.
The lesser I say, my self esteem will reach rock bottom.
I am grateful for whatever she did.
I get to rest enough and not worry about the laundry.
I get to sleep till sun is about to set and not worry nothing to eat.
I am grateful.
Didn't expect us to have a cold war so soon.
I want to grow up. away from this shit.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
I am back.Tears washed changi airport when I saw my peers.Though knowing that they intended to trick me, still I was too overwhelmed with surprise.Nothing much was said just hugs and laughters. Didn't knew I missed being back till the plane landed.We clapped. Sound stupid but we are glad we are back. I am not myself. I dropped my hp on the plane seat and was seeking high and low for it.I dropped my wallet which contains a few hundred at DFS.I was dropping important things everywhere I go. I am not myself. I had a lot for dinnerfattening food like laksa, chendol, curry chicken... blah Today I woke up at 4pm. No morning calls, no watchful eyes, no restrictions and no siansation mood.I didn't know i missed my bed that much.I didn't know I cannot sleep well without my bolster.Even the rubbish in my room suddenly seem so pleasant.Never felt that way before.The bed so soft and welcoming, not the hard as board type.I missed home. I have a few roommates in China.and my favourite one is Jasmine.
No restrictions.No watchful eyes.No complaints. Just being myself.Sing till my throat turned hoarse in bathroom, she just treats it like it's from the tv.Blast the volume of the tv, she just leave it that way.I wet the shower area when i bathed, she just wet it more when is her turn.Bathed in a open ended bath area, not afriad that she will do anything stupid like peeking.Felt at ease.Trust built.Love her. In Beijing
The SCM girls. We had fun.We were rowdy. Maybe is just me.The bother to dress up period.Hey I think I look so fat here.
We were crappy.We enjoyed ourselve tremendously. In Suzhou where ITP started.All of us stressed and tired from whatsoever.the can't be bothered with looks period.Jasmine and i hate all photos taken in Wuxi. We look like ba zhang without the heavy coat itself. One of the Wuxi pic:
My peach fairy in Uniplas.She helped me a lot. Hangzhou's schedule kills people.
Me and my not as stable roomies.She got freaked out by the uneven ground.Strong girl. 
Went huang shan.My unstable roomies had an even bad day.I bet at that moment she feels like dying.I am glad she went through it.a strong girl. 
Found someone as crazy as me. Adiel.Zheng Zhong, the most easy to talk guy in the trip.But he stinks. 
The whole group of us climbed the crazy steps up to Huang Shan to watch the sunset.Is not as easy as what I typed.Is hell tiring and stretched us physically.We almost died. Finally, the sunset.Now, I wondered whether is it worth killing myself. 
Friday, April 07, 2006
7/4
Last day.
Last goodbye.
Last lunch.
Last glance of the building.
Last contact with the colleagues.
This may be the last time I ever see them again.
Fate brought us together and reality separates us.
I will be going back to Singapore to finish what I left and they will continue their lives before I came.
Life is worth a laugh.
It brings people together and yet it separates people when they are connected.
That’s life, people say.
I hate life, I always say.
I am longing to breathe.
I am suffocating with people being so aware of my actions.
Choking when being questioned.
Used to the freedom my parents gave me.
Used to answer to no one in my life.
Used to my comfy bed.
Used to being messy.
Used to watch tv so loudly.
Now, I am uncomfortable. An understatement.6/4
Used to hate China.
Used to hate their people.
Used to believe that everything in China sucks.
Used to believe that they sell a lot of clothes.
Used to think that China is not safe to be in.
My opinions changed.
I have learnt that Chinese here are friendly.
I have learnt that Chinese girls here are not all WuYa.
I have learnt that not everything in China sucks.
I have learnt that there are still quite a lot of things here that sucks.
I have learnt that spitting is a norm.
I have learnt that kids peeing at any place even next to a shop is a norm.
I have learnt that babies’ here have a deliberate split on their pants.
I have learnt that wet floor on the street can be kid’s pee.
I have learnt that they use chilli oil for all spicy food.
I have learnt that the clothes here are pathetically small.
I have learnt that the people do not understand 请让（qing ran）-excuse me in Chinese.
I have learnt a lot. My beliefs of Chinese changed.
I also learnt nothing. Squatting is still a problem.
Everyday, I watched them work. They watched me bore to death.
I watched them laze around. They watched me doodle around.
The cycle repeats itself cruelly.
That particular fly haunts me since day 1.
Is still hovering at my area.
I dun think I am complaining but neither am I complimenting this place.
Will I be back? I think I am.
Everything is so cheap here. Who can resist?
For God so love the world, please make China a toilet friendly place.
No worries of shits floating.
No more pungent smell.
No nauseous feel after toilet.
No more gruesome bloody pads staring at you.
A living hell and a place like heaven. 5/4
I have finally done my ITP project.
Two more days and I will not be a staff in Uniplas.
There are so many ups and downs in this fun and exciting journey.
Being boycotted by colleagues for the first day, being stared at because I am a lefty and being questioned about my background and my country.
Is so different working in China, everyone is very relaxed and they have very little exposure to the outside world. They don’t wear office wear when working, Internet access are limited to those whose work requires them to use it, most are anti Japanese and they wear their clothes for consecutive DAYS!!!
A lot of WAH and EEE events. Everything here is an eye opener.
Frankly speaking, I am not at all home sick.
Erm, maybe my bed and bolster. Oh yah my dog and friends.
Everyone is dying to go back to Singapore to their parents and is counting down eagerly to go back to Singapore.
My colleagues are so sweet.
Xiao Dong bought me China style breakfast and Tao Xian brought me to Sichuan restaurant for dinner. The breakfast was delicious and the dinner was yummy! All spicy and mouth-watering dishes!!
They do not earned a lot but yet they are willing to spend on me.
The dinner itself cost her 96 RMB, which is approximately S$20.
By hey! This is China!!! The food here are freaking cheap! S$20 is already a lot here le!!! (Applies to Suzhou)
I intend to get either a English learning guide or a story book for Tao Xian to thank her for always being there to guide me, help me and instruct me. Without her, I am still dozing off at work and eating lunch alone.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
03/04
Jaded after all the moving during the weekend. Was good, at least to me it was.
We went Wu Xi’s famous Tai lake and Three Kingdoms City with the Shanghai kids.
As usual, they had to wake up extremely early to meet us so that we can go together.
A new face greeted us and we came to know that he is Miss Han’s nephew. However, no introduction was made.
He is a replica of Yao Hua or at least physical appearance wise. Description?
He is the ‘Guys who tuck in their tee shirt’ type.
Not that Yao Hua does it but…
Yao Hua is classically irritating and he selfishly assumes that our dear jasmine is so willing to take a portfolio of him. Thus every now and then, he will drag jasmine everyway he goes.
Zhiming, if you ever read this, I wanna tell you I am so regret that I never listened to what you told me in the lecturer hall.
You warned me of him but I never took it to heart and stupidly forgot the name you told me till things happened and was too late to be saved.
Almost killed myself when I remember the nickname we gave him before I even know or seen him. So stupidly started a conversation with him in the airport.
Me making a conversation with him!!! I dug my own grave and custom made a coffin for myself without myself knowing! Oh gosh! Me and my stupidity.
Hope that things will change for the better in Hang Zhou.
I bought pearl powder for my mum, medicated pearl cream to remove pimples and pimples scars for both my siblings and pearl cream for myself. I spent a bomb.
Kim yong, the cool cool guy in China ITP. That guy got extremely long lashes that all girls dream day and night for. Fine, I think that applies to me only. Anyway, he is so so so nice and so so so so loves his mum. He shopped for pearl creams and was thinking of getting pearls for his mum. Oh please, this is like so damn rare to see a guy who shops for such girly things for their mum lor!!! It takes a lot of courage to stand around a group of girls asking the function of some girly products. The worst thing was after buying, what others guys will think of him as a person. I admire his courage and his love for his mum. Nice man indeed.
In this trip, I came to know a lot more of my likings, my beliefs, my stands and myself.
Was told that Bernice, Sze Yuan and I are hated in my lecture hall and the reason was I was hated was because I was loud. The fact that Bernice was hated because we are always together and it troubles me. She is neither loud nor obnoxious. In fact, she is extremely nice and so generous with her concerns, words and creativity. Talking to her makes me feel good and comfortable. But the fact she is being blindly categorizing is totally uncouth
Wasn’t new to me to be disliked by others of my loudness.
I did try to tone down myself in the past to be accepted by everyone and I almost lose myself to this silly being accepted GAME. I call it the GAME and I freaking fuck it.
Who weren’t be affected by the fact people hates you?
I was affected and am still affected.
But I learnt that no one could ever be liked by every one.
No point explaining myself or finding excuses writing off my behavior because I have none.
Last week of ITP, I believed I am the only one in Suzhou not counting down my stay in the company.
My company is nothing big nor is a MNC.
In fact, it is small and undesirable. The people working here are the one who makes this wonderful for me. Thanks Xiao Shi miss u lar!!! haha wat new u?! Slim down ar?!!! HOw?!!!! Here all oily and salty food leh.... damn sure fat when i come back one.... 2 more weeks nia... miss mi.