Grumble.
E- Learning week.
3 projects down.
Just like staying at hm and curl up on the bed, reading angels and demons.
A day off.
Non-stop grumbling of how life short changes us, how unfair things were to us.
Life was never fair.
Used to think is regret not taking swimming competitively but only sorted my thinking yesterday.
I never wanted to swim competitively and was coerced to do it by friends.
Feeling of winning was great but the courage you needed to stand in front of everyone with just swim suit is still too over bearing.
I used to think I was this and that but soon to realize I was none.
I am more, some will tell me but to me I am way lesser.
Not loving myself for who I am.
Hate everything about myself, including hair, nails blah blah.
Only see the negative part of myself, love handles, king kongish blah blah.
Hated time spend alone.
I just can’t be like Bernice.
Enjoy and really love yourself.
New yr hur?!
My only wish is everyone to be healthy.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Friends or Foes?
Ever wonder the people that you come to trust could be the one that hurt you the most?
Regardless of how many zillion years you thought you know the person, that doesn't give you an excuse that the person will not one day come to hurt you or worst be your only enemy.
Sad truth isn’t it?
The person whom knows you thought knows you inside out outside in could be the ONE to make you fall.
OUCH!
Sometimes, I questioned myself who my real friend is/are.
A retarded question to most but is somewhat confusing to me.
Not implying that I do not have friends or that the people who are close to me are not my close friend.
Just that I wonder the reasons behind every one of them.
Nothing in this world is for free. A lesson I learnt well enough.
I believed human are selfish in nature and hence in addition to me point, I strongly think that people stay by you due to those reason.
For example, because you are fun thus people want to stay by you or you show them concern and they think you can always show them concern.
Don’t agree? That’s my opinion.
I am no angels too.
Asshole, I am.
Making used of people to do things, scorn at people whom I dislike (the CONDEMN aka outcast) and being hypocritical are traits I possessed and sometimes still possesses.
For example, asking people to help me run an errand, act as if I like the person but truly hate to the core and not doing group work with the outcast as they are outcast for a reason.
Do you have a friend who is a friend and yet foes?
A person who you will want to out win the person regardless of what but yet care dearly for?
The person kept saying you are a best friend but actions do not imply that?
A person who claimed to brave fire for you but in the time of need, where is your so called friend?
Is just a thought I gathered and not something that happened to me.
I think pictures speaks a thousands word. 
Friday, December 23, 2005
Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
http://quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
try it!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Days pass silently without me knowing.
Fictions contained my life.
Murder scenes work in my brain, romance playing in my soul and happily- ever- after stories still lingers after reading.
Staying over had never been so fulfilling.
Nothing much was done just talking and having them beside me.
The connections so very visible between us and the faith of this friendship will last are too strong that somehow changed my opinions against it.
Music work wonders in many ways.
Not only does it calm me down, it also makes me think of the road I have traveled, lessons learnt in the crossroad and things I gave up on the way.
Every thing has a song to it.
The meaning of the song suits the event perfectly.
As if it was meant for the event.
And when it was played, the event will somehow play itself in the mind.
Like a MTV, you will get to watch the scenes as the music plays.
My very own MTV.
I believe that every person stands at a different place at every transiting stage in life. Currently, I am standing at the bottom of the pit hole and too tired after struggling to climb out of it. Battered and strained from trying. So where are you standing right now?
Friday, December 16, 2005
Finally!
I am mentally pronounced dead.
Desperately in need of some gruesome murder book to do CPR to my brain.
Tess Gerritsen! Ah! People just leave me alone till I am resurrected.
Grogginess overcomes me. Just like Kylie’s song,” I, spinning around!”
Don’t seem to have much time left for sleeping recently.
E- Learning week will be a week to indulge in hibernation.
I scare myself when I stared into the mirror. Dark rings had secretly extended its territory down to my cheekbone.
WTF! I look like Marc Anthony! So zombie-fied! Sun I need the sun!!!
Swimming, canoeing, beach and parties!
Saw him, my primary school crush.
The heart- throbbing feeling is still there.
He is still as confidence, a trait I admire greatly in him.
Due to my stupid-ness, I lost a friend in him.
Childish motion I did.
Heard form another friend that I am his number 1 enemy.
How sad!
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Fasinating, thrilling and increased my knowledge in many ways.
HOw good will it be to just lie down and don't care about the projects in hand?
Clock ticking.
Finally a day just for myself.
Had enough rest and time to play with my new toys (daffy and piggy).
A good form to destress which I learnt from yen yen.
When was the last time I played soft toys? yrs ago and I never did like them in the first place.
Life sucks for me?!
Whose life is gd?!
But all have to move on.
Making mistakes and falling is the process of learning. How painful.
How come they dun have a guideline for life as in wat is and wat is not to be done?!
lost. I dunno wat is ahead for/of me? I have no directions.
As if i am playing thief and dunno where the hell is the police.
Hidding for so long and dunno whether to venture out.
If venture out, I may be caught.
If not, I dunno whether the game has ended without telling me anot.
Damnation!
Friday, December 09, 2005
I need some cooler air.
The air around me is so stale that it is suffocating me.
Somehow, I prefer solitude.
Went to see Sensei that day, felt worst.
I always love the sun, the air and the nature.
How I used to live a life so sporty, so enriching.
Coz of money, I have to give up all my interest.
I was dying to join the dragon boat when I was in yr1 but coz of work, I gave it up.
A wish I always wish secretly, to backpack to nepal.
(if by 30 I am not married then, will go straight away.)
If not, I promised myself that in this life time I am going for sure.
He reminds me of my love for outdoor activities.
I missed the tan, the red cheek and the pespiration.
One day. Canoeing.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Idolising people's life
My mum always say I am materialistic and not practical coz I always wants things that people have and things that we cannot afford to have.
Remember the days where I begged and throw tantrum for a cabbage kid.
I was dying for it and none of my friends have it, but my wish was harshly declined.
Baby G was in fashion then and every kid dream of having a cool baby G watch.
my mum promised mi if i score well, she will get me one.
I did and she did spend money on a watch for me but it was SPOON.
I always think I do not have the opportunities to indulge in life as much as people of the same age as mine.
My allowance are pathethic and till now it still is.
I don't have a fairy tale family where father is a high flyer, mum a beautiful tai tai, a home big enough for you to run 2.4km and high tech appliances that aids in pple's living.
I was living in a 3 room flat in holland v then. ( moved when i grow older)
Father is a cook and mother a part-time cleaner.
I am the eldest child followed by a sis and a bro.
Responsiblilty lay on my shoulder right after the birth of my sis.
Everything was shared between me and my sis.
I know she dreaded using my second hand stuff but is onli economical to do that.
In my family, our theory is if u want it, you get it in ur own means.
Thus, me at the tender age I stole.
Is never the thrill that I seek in stealing, is the want.
I want to be like others. I want to have what they have.
Maybe is something that deep down in me at that point of time, to be accepted.
I was poor and still am.
Lucky me, I got an uncle who loves me and gives me additional allowance.
Though is nothing much but it stops me from stealing and enjoy life like a youngster to watch movie, have fastfood and play.
Turned over a new leaf but wasn't given a chance by my mum.
Forever bringing it up and using it to bring me down.
Till now if she lost a Ez link or some worthless card, she will first ask me.
Normal acad and stealing had automatically demote me to the useless caterogies.
Trying to prove you are capable?!
Is harder than you can ever imagine.
cry every nights for your stupidity and your past mistakes.
Everytimes my mum ask me about the lost items, I felt like I got stabbed.
I studied like hell just to prove that I am not useless.
I got gd results but wat have i proved?! nothing.
Nothing is good enough for her.
I envy pple's family so closed and united.
Unlike mine.
Always hearing bird's and sze's parents always make me feel ashamed to mention mine.
My stealing past wasn't told to anyone.
All I can say is I was once rebellious.
My parents are not divorced technically but they don't sleep together anymore.
By the way, my mother is 57 and father 55 this yr.
I hate meet the parents' day.
I hate it when people ask me, "your grandmother ar?"
I did lie once and got so guilty after that.
So thereafter, I asked her not to come to skool.
But as I got older, I can't be bothered to explain anymore.
Thus, I always say that after 30 I am not married I am not going to get married.
My mother got married at 35 so you do your own calculation.
How can I bear to let my kid go through what I went through?!
My mother is illiterate and dad only have secondary education.
I hate indian form teachers.
In meet the parents' day, I was the interpreter and the content is my conduct.
How ironic!
I wasn't a bad student nor was I a very good one.
I have to tell my mum that teachers think I am talkative?!!
I dunno why I have the guts to do a confession of my wrong doings.
The urge is too strong to resist, the past, the wounds still raw.
Tears spilled down when an imaginery video of me and the events starts playing in my mind.
As if it was yesterday. So fresh.
I am waiting for my judgement day. Hope I felt better after this is posted up.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Bird I wanna answer ur doubt.No I don't have a bf. haha Tests and projects climbing up my neck.HRM test this afternoon and 3 projects due next week and I haven't touched them! Come hm den start chionging ar.Waiting for this damn call for a 17days boarding!!! Imagine!ArH! Busy. Still have to bath the 2 kings charles and my hades. Love studying and talking to Sze in queensway, the place where out little fantasy reveals in sec skool.The feeling is much the same. Talks just keep rolling out of our mouth.Then we noticed that we both changed, due to experiences.Good and bad.Recently, there is this case of sze and me having a misunderstanding.She suddenly shouted I cannot stand you anymore ... blah blah blah.I saw her staring at my direction and tot she was directing at mi.Wat you cannot stand mi??! I have one of the most tame temper and I dun have attitude problems.What the hell!So pissed and felt betrayed.I didn't want to talked about it and kept quiet for half that day till I sat beside her in a lect after a few hrs later.I took a piece of paper and decided to confront her."I don't like arguement to stay overnight so what you have to say abt it?!", I wrote that.Till den I found out that she was directing it to RAj the guy standing behind mi and not me!!! If i never asked, I will never know.That's the lesson learnt.
Thursday, December 01, 2005